Alone This Holiday Season? Spike the..
If you’re single, the holiday season does one thing for you: it makes you feel like a lonely, worthless, sex repellant. The blogosphere is crawling with posts attempting to console your lonely heart. But instead of telling you that you’re worth it and that next year is a new year, I’m going to give you a few pointers on how to actually enjoy being single during the holidays.
At the Holiday Party
- Spike the eggnog, the punch, the water – anything you can get your hands on.
- Tell the family member, coworker or ‘friend’ that is always trying to one-up you, something life changing – i.e. you leave for the nunnery in the morning.
- Tell the person that most annoys you, that they annoy you.
- Fully grab your crush’s ass and/or trip and hump their leg
- Sleep with the office nerd and/or a distant cousin
- Steal something from the host’s medicine cabinet. Replace it with an ‘IOU’
- Ask for a promotion
- Flirt with someone of the same sex you find attractive
- Make up a really great lie and tell everyone
- Blame 2-9 on the asshole who spiked the punch.
New Year’s Resolutions
- Aim to double your number
- Promise to forgive yourself if you accidentally triple it
- Make life changing decisions… everyday
- Keep a change jar and if by the same time next year you’re still single, go to Hawaii
- Dance in front of the mirror naked
- Learn to say no
- Instead of doodling a crush’s name, doodle your dream career
- Vow to speak up the second you’ve got feelings for someone
- Embrace masturbation, porn and sex clubs
- Keep spiked water and punch in the fridge in case of emergencies
So instead of crying because you’re alone another holiday season, embrace it and have some fun. Stop taking life so seriously, and stop acting like you have a deadline to meet for happiness.
Happy Holidays, readers! I’ll be back Monday, January 2nd with a whole new batch of exciting articles and a big announcement!