The Indie Chicks has taken over my life – in a good way. I’m starting to transfer some of these articles over there, and in a few months, this site will probably automatically redirect to the ChiaraSays corner of The Indie Chicks. Or maybe not, I haven’t decided.

I know. You’re sad.
So am I.

The truth is, I really don’t have time anymore. Between taking care of Baby Luca, learning web and graphic design (and doing all the freelance work I’ve been doing) and leading a team of 4 at The Indie Chicks, I really have no time to maintain this blog.

I write A  LOT at The Indie Chicks – check out my articles here… So you can still find my brutal honesty and pissed off lingo without buying my book and going through withdrawals.

and I have a feeling I’ll be writing more on dating and sex over there, too..

I urge all my subscribers and followers to find The Indie Chicks on Twitter (over 10k followers!) on Facebook (almost 2k likes!) and sign up for the mailing list to get a free inspirational ebook. Check out the Love and Sex section and fall in love with everything we stand for: independence, strength, confidence and community. For the gentlemen readers, we’ll be launching an Indie Dick section soon, too.. and you’re sure to find some inspiration threaded through the articles on the website.

So for now, this website and all of it’s glory will be put on pause. And if you’ve emailed me and haven’t gotten a response, please do so again (my chiarasays email has been up and down for a while)

(PS. If you like the designs and graphics, get in touch with me regarding logo design, site set up, and social media branding like Twitter backgrounds, Facebook covers, etc)

1. You obviously can’t ask your boyfriend whether or not you should cheat on him – but what you CAN do is ask yourself if this is something you’d be okay doing. It’s easy to fantasize but we don’t all have cheating bones inside our bodies.

2. If you work 6 days in a restaurant, when do you have time for your boyfriend? That probably has a lot to do with the fact you’re being tempted elsewhere. You also probably have a crush on your manager because he’s in a position of power – albeit, relative, but still, power nonetheless. He’s probably made it obvious he wants to hook up because you’re taken, it’s a chase, and it’ll be exactly that: a hook up. Once the orgasm is said and done, you’re left to dry in the street corner. But I digress…

3. Dave sounds like a nice guy, and although you don’t have to think of your lover every time you bone him, it should be most of the time. So if you’re mentally screwing manager, that’s a bit rude. Imagine the reverse: He’s been mind sleeping with Becky from the bank. Oh. You’re so hot. But on a serious note, the reason it was AWESOME is because sex is party mental, too. And if you mind orgasm, you’re likely to real orgasm just as quick.

4.If you break up with your boyfriend, he probably will leave – but that’s the typical, sane reaction to getting dumped.If you’re keeping him around for security, you’re being nothing short of an unfair bitch. Your boyfriend is not a back up, it doesn’t work that way.

ChiaraSays

Your head is elsewhere. Right now it’s manager, tomorrow it’ll be custodian. You shouldn’t be with your boyfriend, so have the decency to end it before you go sleep with someone else. Wouldn’t you like the same respect if the roles were reversed? Or would you like to remain a back up plan if his slutty mistress ends things. It’s not fair to anyone – not even yourself.

Did I miss anything, everyone? Anyone care to add to the advice here?

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This topic is a complicated one: you love your friend but she’s dating someone you know in your heart is poisonous to her health. It’s complicated because it often times DOES directly affect you, even if you’re not the one dating the prick. So let’s take a look at your options and figure out exactly what path you should follow when your friend is dating an asshole.

If you choose to stay silent

“Not my heart, not my problem.” Or in softer terms, you feel you don’t have a say because it’s not your relationship. You can very well choose to stay quiet and watch shit crumble before your very eyes, but know this: If you do so, you WILL be held accountable when it crumbles. “You’re my friend! You SHOULD HAVE said something.” So while you safely avoid being verbally beaten by an infatuated friend, you risk being verbally beaten by a heartbroken one.

If you choose to meddle

On the opposite side of the spectrum, you can only do so much. People get very protective over their love affairs. Let’s not forget about the shutters love puts over your eyes – I wrote a whole book on it. The truth is, it’s more than their inability to admit to the toxicity someone they love brings to their life; it’s also an ego slash. “How dare you claim I am incapable of properly picking a suitable mate?” You will never know the ins and outs of a relationship if you’re not in it, no matter how close you think you are to your friend.

Finding the middle ground

The role of a friend is a complicated one, to say the least. You’re expected to love and support, while simultaneously protect and challenge. It’s your job to make sure your friends don’t make life altering mistakes, and it’s also your job to be there if they do. In order to fulfill both duties in this situation, you have to speak up and know where to stop. It’ll be hard, especially if your friend is dating a really shitty person but the situation is, again, complicated.  Speak up, voice your opinion, and then back off.

Sometimes you need to know when to walk away

There are times things go much deeper than, “Hey, guy’s a jerk, he cheated on his last chick.” Sometimes there are personal reasons, sometimes things are really serious, and sometimes it just hurts to watch your friend endure that kind of pain. Sometimes, you have to walk away. This is a controversial issue, I’m aware of that. Some will say a friend should stick by your side no matter what, but I say the opposite. I say, there are times your heart will hurt and that’s not fair – especially when your friend is ignoring every effort your making. I say, some cases call for outside help, help greater than you could even contribute. I say, you too, have a life worth living and enjoying and keeping their toxic relationship around is like keeping your own toxic relationship around.

If you’re not disliking based on jealousy or selfish reasons, you need to speak up. If you’re losing your friend, the friendship is worth the fight. Just remember to pick your battles and know when to walk away because in most situations, your well-being is at stake, too.

How do YOU deal when your friend is dating an asshole?

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PS: This site is no where near finished. #addictedtochange

Too Little Pride: “I Ain’t Worth Shit”

By throwing your hands up in defeat and surrendering to your relationship all the time you’re giving up a valuable gem: a 50/50 say in your relationship.

You’re giving up yourself worth and you need that in your back pocket if you’re going to survive out there.

If you don’t give yourself any value, how do you expect others to? (The articles on this site relating to self esteem and self improvement will be moved to The Indie Chicks website fairly soon, so if you can’t find them here, go look there).

Too Much Pride: “I’m TOO Good for This”

Dating and relationships are about knowing when to pick your battles, and there are times that you’ll need to swallow your pride to make things better. If you can’t do that, you risk making your partner (or the person in question) feel like they’re dating a wall without  emotion; a wall who thinks it’s superior, untouchable, and can do no wrong. You see, pride can easily be mistaken for cold heartedness and arrogance. And that’s not sexy. 

That mindset of feeling superior stands in the way of self improvement and progress in your love life. Life is about making mistakes and becoming better and you can’t do that by not being able to admit your faults. So yeah, you’re going to end up sad and alone  - wah.

Find the Balance and Stop Poisoning

The truth is simple: you need to know when to pick your battles. The problem is usually that you have too much of it and you’re unable to swallow it to make amends. Go back to a cheating spouse? I’ve got my PRIDE, I can’t. Admit I was wrong? I’ve got my PRIDE, I can’t.  By doing that, you’re putting a brick wall on the path of your relationship.

Dating and relationships aren’t only designed for sexual pleasure and to fill that inexplicable void the human race has. They are meant to help you discover yourself and sometimes, that means having to admit you’re wrong and having to admit that giving someone a second chance doesn’t make you spineless.

I apologize for the brevity of this post… I promise to elaborate soon. The Indie Chicks  launch yesterday was a HUGE success.. we had more traffic and positive feedback than we could have ever asked for. That said, I don’t want you to think I’m leaving you lovelies behind. I’m also getting to my emails today, I promise. Oh and… I am excited about redesigning the site… I learned SO much by designing The Indie Chicks that I am just super excited to get back at it!

Check out my book!

Flirting- Don’t Fight Science

Ugh. I’m always talking about evolution – I’m sure you’re bored of it by now – but the topic warrants an evolutionary explanation. We flirt. We love to do it. We probably need to do it to survive. Just think about it. We are animals, yes, but we’re not like baboons; we don’t swell, pull out our vaginas and back our goods up to tempt a potential stud (or, do we?) The darn frontal cortex adds complexity to a simple display of interest. You feel good inside when you see something you want, so you’ll often flirt even if you’re not aware of it. Endorphins flow through you to get you happy, excited, vulnerable and available. Just like with love, chemicals dance inside you when you experience attraction. You can’t fight science, flirting feels good.

Flirting – Verbal vs. Physical/ Conscious vs. Unconscious

Remember that ex you slapped for flirting with the cute as a button waitress on your anniversary? He probably deserved it, yes, but there’s still a good chance he had no idea he was doing it. Believe it or not, there are so many dimensions of flirting that you really can’t always be held accountable for crossing one.

If you catch yourself doing it midway through.. ride it out. Enjoy the high.

Flirting doesn’t always have to translate into sex. A little flirt can pick your day up, no matter your marital status or the person you’re flirting with. If the Starbucks guy gives you a free coffee with a smile, smile back shyly and say thank you. It won’t make you a dirty whore. In fact, it might even help your relationship (if you’re in one). But that’s a whole other article.

But for the purpose of this one, let’s assume you’re single. So there you are, in that moment, staring at the cute boy who’s pushing you up against the wall, fucking your brains out. You can disappear into fantasy land and possibly have a little solo fun later that night making it your goal to make that fantasy a reality… or you can snap out of it, freeze time, bite your lip and get really, really flirty. 

Flirting – The High

Self Confidence

99.9% of the time you flirt, you’ll get a good reaction. Like I mentioned before, it’s in our nature to flirt; it’s a high. When you actually go balls out and get a response, holy moly, enjoy your delightful walk home because you will be on cloud 9. Flirting is an intimidating concept (people LOVED my video on the secret to successful flirting - pshh).. but seriously, the idea of approaching someone you’re attracted to is scary – never mind actually being on the offensive. But it’s like that one obstacle, when you overcome it… the victory brings forth a higher high than ecstasy and cocaine combined, no come down involved.

A Learning Experience

“Life is a really, really tall ladder and your goal is to climb it” – The Indie Chicks

Learning a lesson in life is always a pain in the ass. It’s either a broken heart, a broken bone, or a broken career. Much like that, you have to make mistakes in flirting to learn what works and what doesn’t. Remember that while you’re beating yourself up for buying a gay man a drink, you’ll be able to recognize the same man a month later and you won’t make the same mistake again. Freeze that moment of knowledge and absorb it; and go use your new found sense of self on someone else.

So if you do one thing when you see a cute guy, don’t let it be fucking him in your mind. Stand up, walk over, and flirt your little heart out because, sometimes, the building up to a hook up is hotter than the real deal. Value every minute of raw flirtation, just in case.

Do you get high? Let’s talk about the flirting rush!

Ps. The Indie Chicks launch tomorrow and we are so excited to show you what we’ve been working on for 3 months. I literally have not slept in weeks. Photoshop and web developed help sites and I have gotten really, really, close. Make sure you’ve liked us on Facebook to find out tomorrow’s time of launch!

OH! And I’ve got a cute little feature up at LAFamily. Go check it out and give it a like, I need to show the editor I’m worth the weekly column! :]

Don’t miss out! Support my work and buy my book!  It’s on SALE! Read the reviews here! And don’t forget to share this article and become a fan on Facebook!

Nothing Good Comes Out of ‘I’m So Drunk’

And make no mistake, even if you say “I’m not drunk,” your voice gives it away. You could be confessing your love to a crush… but the sound of your spit onto the microphone isn’t very appealing. You could be telling your ex boyfriend that his dick was small and that you masturbated to the thought of his cousin… but it won’t sound like too much of an insult if it’s muffled by burps, long awkward pauses, and short speeches to nearby tree trunks. The point is, whatever the reason you’re making the call, it’s not coming through clearly; your drunkeness is masking the sound of your huge balls dropping.

Liquid Courage V. Hot Mess

Let’s be honest: sometimes, calling your ex and telling him off for bangin your friend and breaking your heart requires the aid of a trusty shot (or two). But no one has to tell you, because deep down you know, the difference between using booze as the occasional liquid courage versus a numbing agent you can use as an excuse to act a fool. But I was so drunk!

 The Call Was Still Made

Let’s assume you are using it as a numbing agent and excuse. Ha. You know that when you wake up, there won’t be any going back, right? And that saying, “But I was so drunk,” will do absolutely nothing for your defense? If you need to get sloshed before making calls, there’s a reason you’re not making them when you’re sober.

Let’s say you’re calling a crush. And let’s say a really drunk call somehow lands you a first date. What are you going to do, order a bottle of wine to the dome on your first date? I get it. Professing your affection for someone new can be really scary. Technically, I don’t believe booze ever makes or breaks, but I won’t deny that in this scenario, a little liquid courage wouldn’t hurt. But trust me when I say: there’s no going back from a really hammered drunk dial… you’re not as attractive as you think you are while under the influence. You see Jessica Rabbit, he hears Janice from Friends.

Calling your ex is always a no-no. There’s a reason you’re not calling when you’re sober. Deep down, no matter how badly you want to call him, you know it’s a mistake. You know it’ll make you seem desperate, you know you wish he would call you first, and you know, deep down, that nothing good can come out of it. When you’re drunk and you call, you hope the outcome will be different and that you’ll prove your sober self wrong. You think that by taking 7 shots in a row, reality is somehow altered, time has stopped, and this time he’ll pick up and realize what a mistake he made. It doesn’t work that way, the hang over will be a harsh reality. 

Don’t Be a Coward

You will face the dragon whether you buffer it with booze the night before or not. You will eventually have to deal with the heart break. You will eventually have to face your crush. Don’t be a coward (take ONE shot if you must) and face life with your head held high. The best calls to the ex are made when you’re pumped and strong, with ONE goal in mind.

“Hi. I need to know, did you sleep with Annie?… You did?… Ok, thanks for clearing that up. You’re a piece of shit. Ciao.” ….dial tone.

“Hey Mike. Let’s go out for dinner, you intrigue me…. Awesome. See you at 8″…dial tone.

That directness doesn’t exist while you’re drunk and simultaneously attacking a homeless person for a cigarette.

Quit hiding.

The Indie Chicks online magazine launches May 1st. Check out our call for female guest bloggers! I am so stoked about this project, would love my readers’ support on this. Give The Indie Chicks a follow on Twitter and like em on Facebook. Launch day is going to be huge!

Did I miss anything? Let’s discuss!!

Don’t miss out! Support my work and buy my book! It’s on SALE! Read the reviews here! And don’t forget to share this article and become a fan on Facebook!

Okay ladies. The Indie Chicks is a little over a week away from launching and it’s getting pretty intense! I’ve been working on the design, logo, concept and website skeleton with my partner Renee for the past 2 months. In that time, the site has gone through SO many transformations.. it’s ridiculous. The final concept has taken form and now.. it’s time to reach out.

Below are the details. If you’re interested in guest posting and possibly becoming a frequent contributor, please email theindiechicks@gmail.com and submit your pitch! Attach a link to your website and writing samples. If we think you’re a good fit, we can either assign or discuss your breakout article. The Indie Chicks is all about cross promotion. It’s a way to get each blogger in front of a thousand eye balls.. And although we’re a fresh new site, we’re kicking it off with a celebrity stylist. The site is going to get big rather quickly.

The Indie Chicks is an online magazine for passionate, ambitious women craving inspiration, motivation and a community of like-minded chicks. Our Indie Chick has a go-getter, do it yourself, hunger for life. She’s strong, confident, and charmingly ambitious. Whether she’s an indie artist, a celebrity stylist, or a small business owner, she’s making her dreams come true. As of right now, the site is structured as follows:

A Better Version of You

- Beauty

- Health

- Style & Fashion

- Fitness

- Self Love

- Etiquette

Spotlights

- Features on Independent, successful chicks everywhere (every career possible, indie, main stream, you name it)

Educate Yourself

- Skills & Tutorials

- How To’s

- Indie Resources

The site will feature a range of articles about a range of topics. We’re building a forum and are in the process of creating an indie store.

Indie means Independent – and we promote every aspect of the word. Do it yourself, and make it happen. We’re all about badass chicks making their dreams come true. We’ll have a mission statement ready for you to curl up with when we launch, but are willing to dive into more detail if you’d like!

Get in touch! We’d love to have you up for the launch. If you don’t trust me, you can wait until the site is rockin n rolling to submit your pitch.. But we assure you that the quicker you get in, the more likely it’ll be to get published!

Love,

Chiara

I don’t usually do multiple Ask Chiara’s in a week – but this one caught my attention. I can’t make this stuff up. (Sorry, cheating baby daddy, you’re going to have to wait until next week).

First of all, kudos for the modeling. Secondly, hard ons happen, don’t beat yourself up for it. Your class mates may have not signed up for the show but they kind of did, because you’re definitely not the first to get a boner in that position. So shake it off – you’re not a freak.

Now, let’s talk specifics. Was one of those random erections, or did you see a foxy lady student bend over and stick her finger in her mouth? I’m pretty sure that, on occasion, erections just happen due to increase blood flow. But in the middle of the day?

Think of your uncle reciting the pledge of allegiance with his christmas sweater on, holding a fishing hook. 

Rid yourself of any sexy thoughts and make sure to masturbate in the morning. Flush it out and walk into the room prepared to think of nothing but Uncle Joe and sharp objects. If, for whatever reason, you start getting aroused, stick your nail into your flesh. If you divert your body’s attention elsewhere, you’re more likely to abort mission between your legs. Unless, of course, you’re into that kind of thing. 

If you’re still getting a ton of uncontrollable erections, it may be time to pick a new career.

Finally, realize that erections are natural. Lucky you, some men have to swallow pills to get them to happen. I may not be the best to give advice on the subject, seeing as how I have a vagina. But I will say this, plenty of embarrassing shit happens to everyone.

Did I miss anything? Let’s discuss!!

Don’t miss out! Support my work and buy my book! It’s on SALE! Read the reviews here! And don’t forget to share this article and become a fan on Facebook!

I get a thousand emails about dating fails, relationship problems, and sexual hurdles. Yeah – they’re pretty standard. But the number one topic I get approached with is mending a broken heart. I’m pretty harsh when it comes to my break up advice, but that doesn’t mean I’m not sensitive to the pain; my past is not a clusterfuck of rainbows and butterflies, trust me.

That said, it’s time for a fucking pick me up.

I’m part of a huge group of very talented dating bloggers. In this group, I met a remarkable woman: The Sassy Divorcee. (Read her story). She’s someone I’m hungry to get to know better, but in the mean time.. she’ll remain the inspiration for this article. (Her Twitter is FULL of AMAZING tweets you need to read and retweet for the rest of the world)  Her journey with a broken heart is far from over, but to start it off with style she packed her bags and took a little trip. (Video Above)

What you’re feeling.. right now

I know that right now, it feels like the end of the world. Breathing is hard and tomorrow doesn’t exist. You swear the tears will never stop coming. There’s a pain in the pit of your stomach that won’t go away. You’ve tried OTC medicine, vodka, valium, street drugs, random fucks, spells… You’ve tried going to sleep and never waking up. You’ve tried everything. Nothing makes the pain go away.

Right now, you’re sure NO one in the entire world has ever experienced this kind of pain. I’m here to tell you the opposite: everyone has.

To Get to the Other Side of the Rainbow, You Have to Climb it First

Friends and family can carve cliches into your flesh, you still won’t believe them. Know why? You’re not ready. You can’t heal until you’ve gone through the process. (I have an entire chapter on breaking up in my book).

So, without hashing out the details (because that’ll be a whole other article), let’s go through the basics.

You have to accept the world you’re in. Step out of the denial you’re probably bathing in, oh so comfortably. You’re relationship is over. From this moment on, everything will change; your life will be completely different. If you walked away from a shitty person, you did the right thing – no matter how badly your heart is aching. If the person you were with broke your heart, moving on is the best revenge. This is NOT someone you want to be with. The addiction to your past is a drug addiction you need to overcome. Recovery is right around the corner; You decide how long it’s going to take to get there. 

You’re hurting. You need to accept that. Turn the phone off and the booty calls away. (You’ll be allowed a rebound – when you’re ready). Bathe in the pain. You’ll reach a point where your survival instinct will kick in and you’ll realize all those cliches carved in your flesh are true.

What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger. Period.

Breaking up always feels like it’s the end of the world – until it’s not. One day, and the day will come, you’ll wake up and realize this is your life. You make it what you want it to be. If you want to waste it in bed, giving yourself a pity party.. you can. But you know what’s better than that? Packing your bags and taking an impromptu trip to Peru. Climbing steps that seem to go on forever – and reaching the fucking top. Getting out of bed, doing your make up and stepping into the world with a shield – like a Spartan.

Because you’re stronger than you know. Love itself requires strength, and although you feel like you wasted it all on your relationship, you’ve actually got a nice reserve. You’re an animal, survival is a priority.

You may not be ready today – and that’s okay. But tomorrow, or the day after that, get out of bed and face the world. You’ll be sexy, rugged, with new battle wounds to show off to the ‘more fish in the sea’.

Want to know the best part of a broken heart? Not only do you heal stronger than you were before, but it’s the perfect kick in the ass that puts you where you need to be. Sassy ended up in Peru. What about you? The future holds thousands more tomorrows, waiting for you. Adventures, lovers, friends… self discovery.

Just when you thought you had yourself figured out.. Someone goes on a breaks your heart.. and unleashes a fucking beast.

Go live your life, tomorrow’s a new day. Come back swingin’ .. I dare you.

Did I miss anything? Let’s discuss!!

Don’t miss out! Support my work and buy my book! It’s on SALE! Read the reviews here! And don’t forget to share this article and become a fan on Facebook!