Guest Post: What to Do if Your Significant Other Gets Bitten by a Zombie
Here’s a treat for my male readers (and my lady readers with a sense of humor). ISurvivedtheZombies.com launched today and when they submitted this guest post, I just couldn’t turn it down. So, in an effort to kick off your week with some much needed humor, enjoy today’s guest post.
What to Do if Your Significant Other Gets Bitten by a Zombie
Take this scenario…
You just took out a hoard of undead with your AR-15 who were trying to make a meal out of you and wifey . They were dispatched with extreme prejudice, all head shots naturally. The only issue now? Some stupid “walker” just nibbled on your main squeeze.
Love is great, love is grand, but your instincts kick into survival mode in this kind of situation. And unfortunately, love MUST take a back seat.
This scenario has been done over and over in many movies, but now we are talking about real life, people! You are going to have to make some tough decisions when sweetie comes home with a gaping wound in her forearm. So… what do you do?
Examine the wound. It may not be too late. If it is on an expendable appendage I’m afraid you are going to have to amputate… immediately.
Get yourself a hacksaw, some rubber tubing, and some scotch.
Take a big swig of scotch and slice her arm right off. No big deal, she has to give you hand jobs with her left hand from now on. Tell her to quit complaining, she always wanted to lose weight anyway, right? If you think you can get away with trying to disinfect the wound, then prepare to get your stomach ripped out within a few short hours, rookie.
If she doesn’t get a fever within an hour, you have saved her life, and she will thusly owe you some sex. That’s called a WIN WIN.
If however, a fever does develop, you got yourself a problem only a hole in the back of the head from a .45 can take care of.
Here is where everyone makes the typical (wrong) decision. They nurture and comfort their loved one, tell them everything is gonna be OK. Hey Dan Rather, news flash, THINGS ARE FAR FROM OK. There are fucking zombies running around for shits sake! Before you know whats happening, your recently deceased girlfriend’s corpse suddenly jolts to life and she tears into you like a fat kid through a happy meal.
So, what have we learned here?
Take a guess…
No really… take a guess.
Give up? That’s right, LOVE KILLS!
In the world of the undead, love no one — or love someone, but be prepared to end their life at a moments notice — either one will suffice.
As soon as your loved one gets bit, the correct response is to put a .45 slug in their brain. Don’t be so cold about it, say goodbye first. But then be done with it. Sure you might feel slightly guilty, but deep down you know she was probably cheating on you anyway, so that helps. Plus you’re still alive, which is the name of the game.
ChiaraSays: Wait. Seriously though..There are SO many zombie movies out there.. I think we’ve all thought about this scenario. And with my husband being such a zombie freak, I lose sleep over how I’d handle him being bitten. I definitely cried my bra off when I watched I AM LEGEND and Will had to kill his dog. I cringe in every zombie movie where little kids get killed (The Walking Dead hooked me with the pilot). It’s just such a terrible scenario. And the worst part is, I think it’s coming. Hollywood is always fucking a head of the game on this stuff.. Anyway. My husband already told me I’d have to shoot him. He also told me he’d shoot me in a heartbeat, especially if there was no time for one last hook up.
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