He made it very clear from day 1 – He watches porn and goes to strip clubs. You, trying to come off more secure than you really are, smiled and said you didn’t mind it. “Heck, take me with you!”

Or perhaps he bashed the lifestyle on your first date, convincing you that he was the last man on earth who found strip clubs to be vile and porn to be a sin.

Regardless of specifics, this has been a battle of the ages between the sexes. When should you approve of it? When does it become toxic? How much can you really tolerate?

Don’t get me wrong.. Being Italian and a generally open minded individual, I’ve never had a problem with boyfriends watching porn or going to the occasional strip club. And yes, I’ve even joined the party a couple of times. So in general, I think fantasies and sexual curiosity are a healthy component of life.

The problem is, most women aren’t as open minded. Women are naturally insecure. This isn’t to bash the strength of my gender because believe me, women could rule the world. (And some argue, we already do). It’s just a fact of life. We’re constantly at war with the stick thin model and the successful career oriented female- the last thing we need to add to the mix is an overly sexual woman who tries things in bed we find physically and morally impossible.. Or the limber, stick thin gymnast whose vagina resembles a porcelin masterpiece..

When should you be okay with it?

Part of me strongly believes that when you prohibit someone from doing something, they’re more inclined to do it. If the strip club outings are once in a blue moon, allow for the male bonding. A new air of respect will come from his buddies when he tells them, “Nah, my lady is cool about this sort of stuff!” Also, keep in mind that the porn business is successful for a reason. Erotica dates back to the earlier days of our species.. (and if you allow yourself to peek, you might actually find something you really like)..

When should you speak up?

If it’s something that really bothers you, he should have no problem giving it up. Provided that your sex life is healthy and you’re close intimately, if you’ve tried everything but can’t stand the thought of it.. it’s always important to be vocal. (Some women have had traumatic experiences with ex boyfriends and secondary lives, for example) If he’s going a little too often and it’s become the weekly boys night outing, it might be worth saying something about the frequency. And if the porn watching is taking away from your sex life.. it might make you feel like he doesn’t want you.. Note: It’s important to always feel wanted when having sex.. Otherwise you’ll feel like a prostitute immediately after.

When is it toxic?

I’ve heard of a few assholes who take the attack approach in order to get what they want. If their lady shows any sort of disapproval over strip club attendance, the asshole speaks up.

If he’s distant and devotes all his sexy time to either strip clubs or porn..and refuses to notice the effort you’ve made with your new hot pink piece of lingerie.. Dump him.  If he dares be vocal about the evenings activities when you’re clearly NOT okay with it.. He knows he’s hurting you and doesn’t care. Dump him. And god forbid, if he actually fucking compares you to the strippers or porn stars and then gives you shit for having low self esteem and not being comfortable with him owning frequent customer cards.

That is the less common of scenarios but it happens more than you’d like to think. Most men see a naked woman and jump for joy, regardless of her waist size. Some men consider these women mere pathways to a common goal: an orgasm. But every now and then, you’ll come across the asshole who feels the need to harass his girlfriend for not looking or performing like Tara Patrick (porn star).. and then telling her she’s got issues when she starts crying at the idea of “Friday night strip club night”

Find a balance between being a strong, confident woman and allowing yourself to be the blow up doll he fucks because he realizes strippers and porn stars are out of reach. Know what you’re worth, yet keep in mind that we are human beings. For some reason, we like sex and we like fantasies that remain fantasies. Know that in most cases, the fascination is innocent and don’t be blind to the few cases where it’s not.

[FYI: I bought Carmen Electra's Strip Tease DVD when I was a teen because a boyfriend of mine lied to me about being home and studying when really, he was spending every Sunday night at a strip club with his Uncle. But I got over it, so can you]